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no eyes

With a glass of wine and a bite of cheese.....

Posted on 2010.05.28 at 09:15
Current Mood: weirdweird
Tags: , ,
I didn't mean for it to come out that way.  What I said was not what I meant to say.  It came out all wrong yet you love me anyways.

You know when I'm being sincere and when I'm being a fool.  Have I ever been cruel?  Would you tell me what you thought if I told you?  All the secrets we have yet to share, I've got so many of mine still packed away.  But they're yours if you want them, if you think you can handle their essence (my essence).  Can you handle them better than I did?  It seemed the more I tried to tame my secrets the more new secrets soon came, and then here is a mess---there is a mess, welcome home catastrophe it's been far too long since you're last visit.  Yes, a bit more tragedy please, so I have something to complain about.

There are people living in my head, pulling me every which way.  Herman would get this.  I know he's not the only one, we're not the only ones.
Bean knows what I mean, he's discussed it with me.  We hold hands and accept it together, we're weird and we choose to fair the weather side by side.

I only want his side for the rest of my life.

Today really does feel like a peculiar sort of day.  Not good but not bad either....just odd.  What is this drifting through the air?  I'm suspicious of the day's intentions and I haven't even walked out my front door.

no eyes

Not sure where I went with this but I kind of like it.

Posted on 2010.05.17 at 14:16
Current Mood: calmcalm
Tags:
Some people don't like to talk about the weather.  They consider it small talk.  Meaningless conversation.

I'm not one of those people.  I love the weather, everything about it interests me.  If I allowed myself to take the time, I'd study it more.  I'd understand it better.  For now I just enjoy it for what it is, the good and the bad, still breathtakingly beautiful with each passing day.

There's a bad storm coming right now.  The thunder just rolled and I felt it through the floor, through the seat, "rrrgrrhr" through the fabric upon my skin.  It goes again, "rrrrghrr rowl".  Like the sky has something to say, and we're about to hear it loud and clear.  It makes me think of being in church again, the old Baptist church down the river...with the old Baptist preacher, his voice starting off with a low, humble vibration, gradually increasing into profound boom of force.  The sweat dances down his forehead to the beat of his heart as he attempts to transfer what he feels for the Lord into the souls of his congregation.  And the rain does this, it doesn't just fall from the clouds, each drop is created from something so much more than what it seems.  It has a purpose.  And it wants you to know it.

We take it for granted, the rain.  It's not until we're stuck in a drought that we cry out for it.  And when it pours so much that the floods come, we curse it away again.
Such is life so it seems.  Always stuck in the mindset that the grass might be greener somewhere else, besides under our own feet.
Are we never happy?  Are we never content...satisfied?

I am now more than ever, happy I mean.  So perhaps the human race is not a complete lost cause.  Once you realize that the grass under your feet is the perfect shade of green for you, then maybe you can appreciate the rain---and what it does for the grass, you can be grateful for when it decides to come, and when it chooses to go.

You can be appreciate the tides of life, just enjoy it for what it is, the good and the bad, always breathtakingly beautiful with each passing day.

no eyes
Posted on 2010.05.11 at 11:22
Current Location: dining room/computer room
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: see "Tags"
Tags: , , ,
The old body hurts, and I can't do much about it
So I'll just dance a little dance and forget about it
oooh
I need a break from the daily pain
I need a break from livin to work everyday
oooh


(Bah, gotta go to work....song to be continued)

no eyes

oooh, here's you one better....

Posted on 2010.05.04 at 01:58
I'll just post you a random blog from a random period in time from Bextaboo.com.....then maybe you'll gain interest, you'll find yourself curiously reading my old blogs and new ones as well.

Perhaps you'll become a regular at bextaboo.com.  Would that be so bad?

I selected a period in time randomly by month, from the months of previously written blogs....there were two from that period in time, from July 2007....I chose this one.




July 3, 2007

Perhaps Feelings Suck

Filed under: Old Stuff Reposted — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 11:44 am Edit This

Perhaps feelings suck.
Current mood: blah

The smooth taste of Jim melts across my lips and all I can think about is me melting from your kiss.  I hear our song revamped as I’m with a new man and I feel like a tramp.  Stand By Me.
But I’m standing alone with my back to the wall, you left me standing so then came a great fall.
Why is falling out of love so much harder than falling in?  Why, as hard as I try, can I not let go of him?
I’ve been through this again and again, but no matter what I do, no matter who I see, I’m still hung up over you and all I want is to be free.
You chose to leave.  No effort on your part had been made.  You chose someone else, so of course I didn’t stay.

I tried to move on, but it didn’t work.  It hasn’t worked.  So here I am, alone again.

And I understand that I’m not completely alone.  I know that my loving family surrounds me.  I know I have genuine friends who care about me.  I know that I have someone who genuinely wants to be there for me, who wants to help me.  But I push him away.  I often push them all away.

Am I selfish for doing so?  Am I drowning in my own self pity, allowing myself to be, to feel, so alone?  Perhaps.

I love that word, “perhaps.”

“Perhaps,”I love you.  “Perhaps” things will get better.  “Perhaps” I will stop living in the past so things can get better.
“Perhaps”I will do more with my life.  “Perhaps” I will live up to my potential.  “Perhaps” I will realize what potential I have, and be grateful to God I have it Perhaps.

I hate feeling like this.  Feeling like I hate emotions so much that I wish I didn’t feel at all.  I hate feeling like I don’t appreciate those who are in my life, who choose to be in my life…who choose to put up with people like me.  I hate feeling like I’m someone that is better left alone, and yet I adore…I somewhat thrive on the company of others.  And for that, I feel like a bad person.  I feel like I might mean well but all I cause is drama…I feel like I cause my own drama…it’s all in my head.  And for that I feel even worse…and so I feel to be somewhat a bad person, though part of me knows I’m not.  At least a part of me doesn’t think so.

This is how multiple personalities are developed.  Schizophrenia.

God forbid me to become something, someone I fear most.  God forbid me to become what a small part of me desires.  Sometimes, a small part of me feels that I desire the truth to be that I’m naturally crazy, so that there is an excuse for feeling this way.  But another part of me feels, and knows, that feeling this way is all self inflicted bullshit.

Most of it is in my mind.
At least I feel that way.

I hate the word “feeling,” I hate the word “feel,” and “felt.”
But I like the fabric “felt.”

Perhaps I just hate to feel.  Perhaps I just hate to admit I feel.
Perhaps I hate to admit that I still feel as though I love him.  That I do love him.
Stand By Me while I choose to stand alone.

Fucking ridiculous.

Sorry mom, sorry Bear.  I know you’ve read this and please know, that I love you both.  Please know I’m just having a down day.  It will pass.  Just like the others.  This day will pass, this phase will pass.  It’s just one of those days.

*************************************************

So yeah, I wrote that while I was still living in Las Vegas, not long after I graduated.  It pricks my mind with wonder.  Writing does and what we choose to write about.  To the MFish....My, it took me a long time to get over you.  I finally turned Stand By Me back on, Bean Buckner owns it now, just as he was always meant to.


no eyes

Get comfortable....

Posted on 2010.05.04 at 01:51
just go to my website,  bextaboo.com

it's easier that way.

thanks,

B


no eyes

how does it happen?

Posted on 2009.03.03 at 21:09
Ever notice---that when it seems we don't know what we want...that we somehow destroy what we have?

no eyes

Perhaps this is why....

Posted on 2008.12.28 at 00:19
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Tags: , ,
 I have received no answers...this is today's Bible verse..........


What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
James 4:1-3