I'll just post you a random blog from a random period in time from Bextaboo.com.....then maybe you'll gain interest, you'll find yourself curiously reading my old blogs and new ones as well.
Perhaps feelings suck.
Current mood: blah
The smooth taste of Jim melts across my lips and all I can think about is me melting from your kiss. I hear our song revamped as I’m with a new man and I feel like a tramp. Stand By Me.
But I’m standing alone with my back to the wall, you left me standing so then came a great fall.
Why is falling out of love so much harder than falling in? Why, as hard as I try, can I not let go of him?
I’ve been through this again and again, but no matter what I do, no matter who I see, I’m still hung up over you and all I want is to be free.
You chose to leave. No effort on your part had been made. You chose someone else, so of course I didn’t stay.
I tried to move on, but it didn’t work. It hasn’t worked. So here I am, alone again.
And I understand that I’m not completely alone. I know that my loving family surrounds me. I know I have genuine friends who care about me. I know that I have someone who genuinely wants to be there for me, who wants to help me. But I push him away. I often push them all away.
Am I selfish for doing so? Am I drowning in my own self pity, allowing myself to be, to feel, so alone? Perhaps.
I love that word, “perhaps.”
“Perhaps,”I love you. “Perhaps” things will get better. “Perhaps” I will stop living in the past so things can get better.
“Perhaps”I will do more with my life. “Perhaps” I will live up to my potential. “Perhaps” I will realize what potential I have, and be grateful to God I have it Perhaps.
I hate feeling like this. Feeling like I hate emotions so much that I wish I didn’t feel at all. I hate feeling like I don’t appreciate those who are in my life, who choose to be in my life…who choose to put up with people like me. I hate feeling like I’m someone that is better left alone, and yet I adore…I somewhat thrive on the company of others. And for that, I feel like a bad person. I feel like I might mean well but all I cause is drama…I feel like I cause my own drama…it’s all in my head. And for that I feel even worse…and so I feel to be somewhat a bad person, though part of me knows I’m not. At least a part of me doesn’t think so.
This is how multiple personalities are developed. Schizophrenia.
God forbid me to become something, someone I fear most. God forbid me to become what a small part of me desires. Sometimes, a small part of me feels that I desire the truth to be that I’m naturally crazy, so that there is an excuse for feeling this way. But another part of me feels, and knows, that feeling this way is all self inflicted bullshit.
Most of it is in my mind.
At least I feel that way.
I hate the word “feeling,” I hate the word “feel,” and “felt.”
But I like the fabric “felt.”
Perhaps I just hate to feel. Perhaps I just hate to admit I feel.
Perhaps I hate to admit that I still feel as though I love him. That I do love him.
Stand By Me while I choose to stand alone.
Sorry mom, sorry Bear. I know you’ve read this and please know, that I love you both. Please know I’m just having a down day. It will pass. Just like the others. This day will pass, this phase will pass. It’s just one of those days.
So yeah, I wrote that while I was still living in Las Vegas, not long after I graduated. It pricks my mind with wonder. Writing does and what we choose to write about. To the MFish....My, it took me a long time to get over you. I finally turned Stand By Me back on, Bean Buckner owns it now, just as he was always meant to.